


Waking up

by the_empty_pen



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Angst, F/M, akito finally letting go, and everyone worrying about tohru, basically akito being done with life, everyone changing, some character study things, some musings about what happened after the cliff scene, tw: mention of stabbing, very spoiler heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22351939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_empty_pen/pseuds/the_empty_pen
Summary: “Tohru’s heart is so much more beautiful than I am.”He doesn’t answer.They both know that it’s true.
Relationships: Honda Tohru & Sohma Akito, Sohma Akito/Sohma Shigure
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Waking up

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo so basically my friend is currently reading and experiencing furuba for the first time and I'm always rereading one volume ahead of her and since she's at vol 10 of the collectors edition, I recently reread vol 11 with the cliff scene and,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ah yeah, I totally love Akito even after all those years and nothing will ever change that.  
> (SPOILERS FOLLOW NOW)
> 
> She is just a very interesting character to me because despite being a villain, she's relatable. I really feel the entire "I don't want things to change so I keep clinging to stuff I should've let go of years ago" so. this happened.
> 
> I have feelings.
> 
> Enjoy this or sth. It IS angsty though, but not as angsty as I could've made it.
> 
> The song used in this is "waking up" by starset! They've got some songs that really do fit furuba, so give them a try!
> 
> PS.: Pls mind that English isn't my first language, though I do read through my fics a few times, there's still a chance that there r two or three mistakes. If u find them, pls point them out so I can edit!!!

> Is this real?  
> Cause I can't feel  
> I reach into the darkness  
> And there's nothing to hold  
> Try to heal  
> But spin my wheels  
> The more I try to stop this  
> The more I lose control

The look on her face when she falls never really leaves Akito.  
Lips turned into a soft, kind smile, eyes closed just enough to still look back at the other, the fine nose and round cheeks and her brown hair being twisted and curled by the wind, Akito still hears the crumbling that had slowly rumbled up from beneath her feet.  
She had stretched out her hand to take Tohru’s, to make friends with her even though that was the exact opposite of what she had wanted to do.  
The knife had been right there, in her hand, sticky with her servant’s blood.

Ah-  
The feeling of stabbing him, of feeling the flesh tear apart because of the sharp blade in her own two hands, the resistance of a bone somewhere-  
It makes her sick and she almost gags.

There’s a hand on her shoulder and she knows it’s there to support her, but she brushes it away, clinging to the edge of the mat on the floor she’s supposed to sleep on.

The smile right when the cliff fell apart below her feet, made her fall down so many meters and she wasn’t moving, wasn’t making any noise at all, she just fell and landed in the grass and laid still.  
She didn’t know what to do, what to do for god’s sake even she was god _herself_ and she didn’t want this, didn’t want Tohru to fall down when she was stretching out her hand to finally make a damned decision for once.

Moving on.

She had made this decision after all, hadn’t she?

She’s afraid of change. Akito has always been afraid of change and she doesn’t think that it’s going to be different anytime soon.  
But she can’t go on like this and oh, oh, if she isn’t painfully aware of that.

“Akito, go back to sleep, will you?”

The thought of Tohru slipping now makes her even sicker and she clutches her stomach, Shigure next to her sits up properly, too.  
She’s never cared about someone like this; sure, she cared about the zodiac. But more than anyone else, she’s aware that her behavior is obsessive, that she’s doing it because of the cruel words her mother said one day, she cares about them for her own well-being because she thinks she might go insane if she loses all of them.

But that’s exactly what’s going to happen, right?

Hiro and Momiji and Kureno being gone hurts her, too – it’s not the person being gone that hurts, it’s the bond being gone that pains her just as much as a stab in the back would.  
She flinches at the hand wrapping around hers, the fingers just as warm as they’ve always been.

Yeah. Maybe Shigure was the only one she actually cared about. It’s stupid and she isn’t sure if it’s requited, since Shigure is like a ripple in the water, so close to slipping away (just like Tohru this afternoon-) just when she thinks she has him, leaving her just after kissing and touching her, insulting her and playing behind her back.

She knows.  
She’s stopped pretending just this afternoon.

It’s him who’s behind this – Shigure brought Tohru to his house with her own allowance to do so, encouraged Kazuma to tear off Kyo’s bracelet, made her confront the zodiac at the summer house just so that Tohru would be the one to comfort them and tie them to her.

Akito loves him, still. There’s nothing that can change that fact.  
He’s always on her mind, more than anything else. It’s the honest, unshakable truth. 

She draws in a shuddering breath, reminding herself of what’s important for now.

Tohru’s alive.

The image of her face doesn’t leave her because it’s different with Tohru, she’s barely ever spoken to her but she cares about her as a person because she was the first person ever to try and make her part of a group. To make friends with her, genuinely, without any other thoughts about power or a stupid bond that had been crumbling for decades just like the cliff had.

“Akito, hey. Calm down. She’s fine.”

His voice is deep, she still remembers how it sometimes broke ten years ago, how long they’ve been together now. More than twenty years.  
All they’ve ever done was hurting each other because of jealousy – at least that’s what she likes to believe.  
Because she can’t tell. Not with Shigure. He might be the first to really leave her after the curse breaks. Sure, Momiji is gone, but there’s still the possibility of him coming back to her even if it’s only for declaring that he’s leaving the main estate.  
But there’s no certainty that Shigure will do the same – he might just be gone someday, without a word to her or to Hatori or to Ayame, he’d just leave her without ever mentioning it.

The blood dyeing the grass red, the look on Rin’s face when she fell, the look on Tohru’s face when she stumbled backwards-

“It’s my fault.”

It leaves her mouth in the form of a sob and she can’t stop the tears on her cheeks.  
That’s what she is – weak and pathetic and not able to rely on herself because she’s never experienced what could’ve been a normal youth. Everything she’s ever known was being raised by a woman who hated her so much that she couldn’t even be who she was, then being told by her father how much everyone would love her.  
It didn’t turn out to be true.

The bond wasn’t for eternity.

Tohru was right after all, wasn’t she? That she had only ever clung to the term ‘eternity’, to the phrase of ‘forever and even after that’, though it had never been the case.  
Change hurts. It twists her stomach, makes her clench her fists and then fall back into Shigure in the end. The tears don’t stop.

“So you did push her?”

Ah, the accusation that had already hit her this afternoon. In the very same tone of voice.  
Disgust, disappointment, but no surprise to be found in it anywhere.  
She’s stabbed Kureno. Stabbed her servant, her best friend, the one who had done everything for her that he could have done – but Tohru?

“No.”

It’s quiet now, merely a whisper, she swallows back her tears.  
She’s going to change. No crying about everything anymore. No wanting to evoke pity in the ones around her.  
And no backing away from situations she wouldn’t like.

If Shigure wants to leave, he can. Who is she to tell him to stay? His curse might break tomorrow, or in a few hours, or in the next few minutes and there’s nothing she would be able to do to stop it.  
She won’t stop them.   
Not even the cat.

“Then it’s not your fault, right? If you’re saying the truth, that is.”

It hurts her, but really, who is she to say that it’s wrong how he treats her? He’s right after all, isn’t he? She’s an awful woman. She stabbed her friend because she was afraid he might leave. She pushed a girl out of a window because she was jealous of how she was able to express herself, grow her hair long – so she cut it off. She slapped a boy. Twice. Slapped a girl. Destroyed someone’s eye.  
It’d be a miracle if she didn’t get arrested in the near future.

“I am.”

She is saying the truth. Because she’s changing. Because she doesn’t ever want to hurt someone again, not after knowing that at least Tohru will be there for a new start, that she will encourage her and stay by her side. Even if it’s only for a little time – it’ll be enough.  
Enough for a _start_.

“I didn’t push her, Shigure. I- I had wanted to stab her. I had the knife with me. I wanted to- to end it all, because I felt like she was the one pulling everyone away from me, while really…”

_She was the one pushing_. She pushed them towards Tohru who welcomed them with open arms.

“But you didn’t? You really didn’t do anything to her?”

She shakes her head, wiping away some of the remaining tears on her cheeks, then sucking in a deep breath.  
Her body is trembling and eventually, she does give in to being weak and completely sinks back into him, even though he will leave like all the others, he can’t possibly stay after all she’s done.

“No, I swear. I threatened her. But she didn’t back away at all. And- I stopped after a while. I just wasn’t close enough to save her and I didn’t react as fast as I could have, but it’s still my fault! I should’ve fallen instead! Tohru is-“, she draws in another shuddering breath and weeps, weeps against his chest and buries her face in it.  
There’s nothing wrong with relishing in the feeling that grows inside her when she feels him against her until he’s truly gone, is there? As long as he’s in her reach, she can take it in, maybe get enough of it so that it burns into her memory because maybe it’ll only ever be a memory in a few weeks or months or years.

“Tohru’s heart is so much more beautiful than I am.”

He doesn’t answer.  
They both know that it’s true.

> Am I just a ghost in my own machine  
> In a sandbox in the entropy?  
> Some reality got a hold of me  
> And I don't think I'll escape  
> Am I too attached to a memory?  
> Stuck in my head for eternity  
> Am I in a dream  
> Or the in-between?  
> I don't think

It’s the next day and while she hasn’t slept much, she does feel a bit more refreshed now.

Undoubtedly, it’s strange to be in one house with Yuki after all those years of being separated, of feeling his presence close to her.  
But being in one house with Kyo for more than a few hours is definitely stranger. They were always separated. She was god, he was the cursed cat who was supposed to be confined in a small house in the woods for the rest of his life.  
She never really put herself into his position, did she? She knew how it was to be locked away. To be cut off from any kind of normal life.  
Even Kyo’s life, despite all the hardships he’d overcome, had been more normal than his.  
She admires him – the fact only dawns on her now because it’s something she wouldn’t have admitted before Tohru told her all the truths about her she already knew deep inside of her, that she kept buried in order to stay comfortable and not hurt more than she already did.

But it’s true. Kyo is strong, in contrary to her. He lives on and on and on despite her words, despite the constant fear of having to leave his current life and spend the rest of it locked up and looked down upon. She can see why Tohru loves him and she can also see why he loves her.  
They’re not monsters. Not Tohru with her kindness that is big enough to take her in, to accept her despite all the awful things she’s done. And not Kyo. Despite his disgusting appearance. She thinks that maybe, he’s the strongest of them all.

“Breakfast?”

She’s still at their house and Yuki slumps down next to her and Shigure, sipping water from his glass and handing a piece of bread to both of them without looking up.  
Akito knows that he blames her too, of course. Also they know she’s stabbed Kureno. It wouldn’t be a secret anyways. Of course they’re afraid.

“I’m not hungry”, Akito simply replies, still holding it in her hand and eventually taking a bite.  
“Thank you.”

And at this, Yuki looks up, blinks at her a few times; he doesn’t smile, he’s just surprised.  
Even Shigure next to her shifts uncomfortably on his place of the floor.

“You’re… welcome?”

Akito doesn’t answer, just forces herself to eat more. She knows she has to eat, but it isn’t exactly easy with the two of them staring at her like this. 

“Where’s Kyo?”, Shigure eventually breaks the silence, discreetly placing a hand on her shoulder, a gesture Yuki also eyes from the corner of his eyes, a slight frown on his face.  
He apparently remembers the question and the frown turns into an expression of hate.

“Don’t remind me of that damned idiot, you hear me? I don’t want to talk about him and I don’t give a single damn about whether he’s going to school or not! If he hadn’t said all that stuff to her, there was no way she’d be in hospital now!”

He finishes his glass of water, then stands up, picks up his bag and leaves without another word. Just walks straight out of the door.  
Akito replays his words in her head, over and over, until she can finally grasp the sense of them, understand what he had just that.  
Yuki blames Kyo for the accident, he blames him, not her, he doesn’t blame Akito even though she threatened her with a _knife_ -

“Hatori is picking you up in half an hour and driving you back to the main estate.”

Akito nods, the piece of bread falls out of her hand now that Yuki is gone. She isn’t hungry at all. If anything, she’s still sick. Not as much as during the night, but it hasn’t left yet. It’s mostly self-inflicted though; disgust at her own actions and disappointment in herself that settles deep inside of her and isn’t going to leave if she doesn’t actively try to change.  
But she thanked Yuki – that’s a beginning, isn’t it?

“When can I visit her?”

Her voice is still croaked from the crying and all the screaming yesterday. 

“I don’t think it’s open to anyone but family for now. Who knows if she’s awake? Maybe she’s still asleep. She did hit her head pretty hard, didn’t she?”

Akito nods, forcing those damned tears out of her eyes because this isn’t what she’s going to do anymore.  
No crying.  
She’s going to stay strong, just like Tohru and Kyo. She isn’t going to give up anytime soon and the first thing she’s going to do is tear _it_ down.  
She doesn’t exactly like Kyo. Admiring him and liking him are two different things, but she still thinks that it isn’t right to lock him up.  
Oh, how the maids will complain. How her mother will complain. The thought almost makes her chuckle.

“As soon as she’s allowed visitors, you’re going to call me, ok? Can I count on you this once?”

Shigure smirks, stands up and leaves her alone at the table, he leans against the wall, still chewing on the dry bread. They probably can’t make much more breakfast without Tohru around. 

“When can you _not_ count on me?”

She almost spits, instead she just slaps her open hand against the table and turns around to him, eyebrows furrowed in rage.  
Maybe she’s not going to get rid of all those habits right away. But slowly, she will. She believes it.

“Don’t you dare, Shigure. Don’t make me remember how often you’ve betrayed me.”

Her voice is cold, daring, so close to just screaming at him again like all the other damn times, so close because he keeps hurting her most vulnerable point – him.  
If anyone is the most important to her, it’s him, always been him and yet he-  
His gaze grows just as cold, the smirk fades from his lips and he just shakes his head.

“Get ready. Hatori will be here soon. There’s no point in arguing and honestly, I’m not up for it right now. I’ve got other things on my mind.”

Akito slumps back into her seat, brushing through her hair and then readjusting her clothes – a shirt from Shigure, since her own clothes had gotten way too dirty to wear yesterday and a pair of Yuki’s pants that Shigure had probably stolen in secret.   
He goes upstairs, but Akito doesn’t hear what he’s doing. She thinks that she can hear him and Kyo talk, but she can’t really be sure.

Yeah. Other things on his mind.

She’s not good at reading people, but even she saw it in his eyes – worry for Tohru, even though he had used her, he still cared for her.  
So even her Shigure, the man who had loved her – claimed to love her – who had told her that she was always on his mind and that this was the honest unshakable truth; even he had a soft spot for Tohru and preferred her over him.

It hurt.

But if he wanted to go, she’d let him. 

She’d let all of them go if that was their wish.  
And she herself would leave, too.   
She’d grow stronger.  
She’d stop crying.  
She’d start all over again, just like Tohru had said.

> ‘Cause I’m not waking up.

She'd go back to being plain, old Akito. 


End file.
